Big Time Sorting Hat
by kaejay
Summary: Kendall and Logan sort the band into Hogwarts houses. Kogan pre-slash oneshot.


**Summary**: Kendall and Logan sort the band into Hogwarts houses. Kogan pre-slash oneshot.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Big Time Rush; I know, shocker…

A/N: This is my first BTR fanfic, and my first fanfic in a loooong time. I was in the middle of writing a Kogan version of Big Time Bad Boy but this idea came into my head so I decided to take a break from my other one and write this real quick tonight. It's relatively short and slightly crack-y. I first got the idea when I sorted the boys into Hogwarts houses in my own head (oh yeah, I'm cool, haha) and I've been so obsessed with Kogan lately (and hating the lack of fic for them -- seriously, jump on the bandwagon for shipping these two adorable boys and get to writing! :D) that I decided to just go ahead and write some myself with Kendall and Logan showing what Harry Potter geeks they are, hee. Alright, long ass author's note over. On with the story!

x x x x x x

"Dude, you would totally be in Gryffindor."

Kendall looked up from his position lying on his bed quietly strumming his guitar to see Logan appraising him.

Logan quietly studied him for a couple more seconds before nodding and pointing at Kendall. "Yup, definitely Gryffindor."

Kendall blinked slowly as he set his guitar to the side and turned to face Logan. "I'm sorry, _what_?"

Logan rolled his eyes. "Duh, Harry Potter. You would totally be in Gryffindor." Logan nodded as if this statement was concrete fact, apparently not bothered by the fact that he had just declared to Kendall that he had decided which house he would be in if he was a wizard and attended a fictional wizard school in London.

Kendall cracked a smile. Sure, Logan was the smart one of the group, but sometimes he said the most random, pointless things that Kendall couldn't help but laugh at him.

"Oh yeah, and why is that?" Kendall gave him a playful smirk and rolled over so he was lying on his stomach and resting his chin on his hands as he gazed in mock rapture at Logan.

Logan rolled his eyes. "Dude, we've been friends long enough that I know when you're making fun of me" – Kendall gave a little shrug in response as he grinned at Logan – "but hear me out."

He paused for a second and Kendall rolled his eyes before motioning for him to continue. Truth be told, Kendall liked indulging Logan when he went on his little tangents. His eyes lit up and you could clearly see the joy he got out of explaining things to people. Besides, if Kendall was being honest, he was interested to hear about this little Harry Potter theory of Logan's.

"Alright," Logan took a deep breath and grinned, preparing his speech as he held up one hand to count off the numbers. "One, you are totally our leader. Courage, bravery, yadda yadda; definitely Gryffindor material. Two, you're so loyal that you brought your three best friends with you to Hollywood when you could have easily ditched us for money, fame, and girls" – Kendall pondered this one for a moment and then nodded in agreement with a slight smirk – "three, you are like the most fearless person I know. You slept like a baby after we watched _The Ring_ when we were, like, eight. And then proceeded to call the rest of us the next day and creepily say '_seven dayssss'_."

Kendall started cracking up. "Dude, I remember that! Oh my god, I thought you were totally gonna pee your pants when your phone rang."

Logan glared at Kendall and held up one finger to silence him. "Shut up! I still blame my completely irrational fear of wells on you."

Kendall's answering smile clearly showed how pleased with himself he was. "Oh, Logie, I promise to use my big, strong, Gryffindor-supported muscles to protect you from the big bad well." He held out his arms as if to get a hug but Logan simply rolled his eyes and slapped his arm away.

"MOVING ON." Logan glared at Kendall who held up his hands in surrender and motioned for Logan to continue.

"Alright," Logan held up four fingers, "number four, you'd totally be a little wise-ass in Potions class and mouth off to Snape just because you hate people telling you what to do." Kendall considered this and then nodded, agreeing with Logan's assessment.

"And finally," Logan started in a dramatic tone, "red and gold? Totally your colors."

Kendall burst out laughing. "Thank you, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I'll make a mental note of that." Logan stuck his tongue out at Kendall, but Kendall knew he wasn't really mad.

Kendall leaned back on the bed and folded his arms behind his head. He glanced at Logan out of the corner of his eye. "Alright, so if I'm Gryffindor, what are you?"

Logan scoffed. "Ravenclaw of course. We'll kick your ass on the O.W.L.S. and then use our sparkling wit to insult you in ways that go right over your head."

Kendall threw a pillow at Logan in response.

"…Ow."

Kendall ignored him. "So what about Carlos?"

"Easy. Hufflepuff. Carlos is the guy who is nice to everyone and is impossible to hate. And I think if he were any more loyal he would literally turn into a Golden Retriever."

Well, Kendall couldn't argue with that.

"Okay, okay. Well what about James?" Kendall couldn't believe that he was actually emotionally invested in this conversation – seriously, fictional wizard houses? – but he found himself turning on his side and propping his head up on his arm to get a better view of Logan on the opposite bed.

"Hmmm…" Logan pondered for a second. "James is the tough one. But I'm gonna have to go with Slytherin."

Kendall just about collapsed from laughter. "You're putting him with the evil ones?!"

Logan gave him a _look_ and Kendall immediately stopped laughing, although he couldn't keep the grin from coming on his face.

"That, my dear Kendall, is a common misconception about Slytherins." Kendall recognized this voice: this was Logan's 'hey, let me teach you something!' voice. "Slytherins are not _evil_. They just have a high degree of ambition and value achieving their goals above all else. They are also very cunning and resourceful in trying to get what they want. Doesn't that sound like a certain Pop Star friend of ours?"

"Okay, I concede, Oh Great Harry Potter guru," Kendall proclaimed dramatically with a flourish of his hands in Logan's general direction. "You win."

"As it should be," Logan stated smugly before collapsing on his bed and closing his eyes as a small smile adorned his face.

"Except…for one thing," Kendall began slowly. Logan opened his eyes and turned towards Kendall, raising an eyebrow in question.

"I don't think you'd be in Ravenclaw."

Logan's eyebrow rose further. "Oh yeah? And where would _you_ put me?"

Kendall tapped his chin for a moment as if deep in thought. "You're…Hermione."

Logan's brow furrowed, clearly confused. "…What?"

"See, you'd totally be my genius sidekick. The Hermione to my Harry. Tell me random facts that I never wanted to know in the first place. Point out every possible flaw in my plans to the point of being annoying. And then help me anyways, because that's just what you do. You're my Hermione. So no, you wouldn't be in Ravenclaw; you'd be in Gryffindor with me. As it should be."

Kendall smiled smugly at Logan as he pondered Kendall's logic.

Eventually a slow smile spread across Logan's face as he looked at Kendall. "Alright…I guess I can live with that."

The two sat smiling at each other until they each laid back down on their respective beds, lost in their own thoughts.

And hey, the fact that Kendall is actually a secret Harry/Hermione shipper can't be relevant at all, right?

And if he wears red the next day just because Logan told him it was his color, well, that's nobody's business but his own.

End.

A/N: Okay, what did you guys think?! I was kinda worried about this being a little OOC (especially Logan) but I kinda thought this would be how Logan would act if he was more three-dimensional than what they show on BTR -- like a little more teenage boyish -- and wasn't on a Nickelodeon show so he could say the word 'ass', haha. Ok, anyways, constructive criticism is always welcome, so let me know what you think! :) Hopefully I'll get some more Kogan fics up eventually, so be on the look out for that. Thanks for reading, and please review!


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